Where did I leave off?

So, you get the basics... I was adopted and chickened-out when it came to finding my birthmother. WELL, that was when I was 18, it gets better...
I met the love of my life when I was barely 22 and he was 21. I think I will save an entirely new blog for THAT whole story. Anyhow, my daughter was about 2 at the time (gasp! scandal!) and I suddenly had this urge to know my birthmother. Somehow or another, we had gotten copies of my adoption papers, just info on my birth such as where, when, what I weighed, basic info about my parents. I got the fact that birthmother is a big mix of a bunch of nationalities while my "punitive" birthfather is half Bohemian. I have always laid the blame for my body frame size on that fact :) Anyhow, one of them was nearsighted, one was farsighted, hence my 20/10 vision. I was clued in to the fact that my mother was a pleasant, musically inclined girl who turned 18 two days after I was born. She actually drove home with her parents on that day. Now, this is something that STILL brings a bit of a tear to my eye, I just said she drove home and I don't mean across town from the hospital. She was from Lewistown and her parents (dad was a prominent lawyer, soon to be judge) decided it would be best if she leave town to have me. I canNOT even imagine how that felt. "Gee, kiddo, we sure love you, but you gotta go have that baby somewhere else so that nobody finds out. Then you can come home, pretend nothing happened, and graduate." What a bunch of crap. But, I guess it WAS 1971 and things were just different then. I never really had any sort of feeling about my birthmother until I found this out. I didn't hate her, I didn't love her, I was just grateful that she let me be raised by my parents. After I found out she lived with foster parents, I just felt sad for her. Moving on...
As we were reading these documents (my folks and I), I realized I had my birthmother's name right there in front of me. Toni. Antonia. Holy crap! I had never put a name to her! Sad again, but WOW! The last name of her and her family and her foster family were cleverly covered for the photocopies. Here is where it gets interesting. Apparently, they used CLEAR SCOTCH TAPE for the purpose of disguising these names! From one spot I could read the first part of her last name and from another spot, I got the rest. I had her entire name right there in front of me and didn't have to go through the whole legal process!!! My mom and dad were FLOORED, I was just stunned beyond belief. Just FYI, my mom called the state the next day and told them what happened, could be a HUGE legal issue in the wrong hands. My parents revealed that they knew my birthmother's father was a lawyer in Lewistown and we thought, "What the hell, let's look in the phone book for anyone with that last name." Hard enough to believe, but there is a lawyer here in town with that same last name! I think my whole world felt light and heavy all at the same time. Here I was with a name and probably a connection to the woman who had given birth to me! What do you do with that??? I'll tell you what we did... My father actually picked up the phone and called that lawyer here in Billings. THAT is the kind of dad I have. My parents were never threatened by me searching for my biological family. They realized there was a curiosity and were secure in that they had raised me as a biological daughter. My folks KNEW I didn't need or want another family. My mother held my hand while my dad called and said, "You don't know me, but I think my daughter may be related to you. Are you related to Toni * (didn't think I would give that out, did you?) ?" The man said, yes, indeed that was/is his cousin. He had known I was born, but that really was it. He said he would call his cousin's parents and give them our phone number. Was it 10 minutes or 10 days before they called? I'm pretty sure it was that very night, but it felt like FOREVER! Then, there it was, a phone call from someone who probably looked like me! My birthgrandmother (what else to call her?) called and was SO excited to hear from me! I chatted with her and her ever-so-charming husband for probably an hour. I found out that my birthmother had really no desire to meet with me at this point, but I didn't really care. I have nothing but respect for her. She did the most amazing thing I can even imagine... She gave me up so that both of us would have a better life. It would work out very well for both of us. I have an amazing, loving family and she went on to graduate from college as a nurse. She has a wonderful husband and 2 sons. It may be easier to make a list of things I learned over the next few hours. I talked with Toni's parents and then spent a very LONG time on the phone with my "uncle" who is 6 months younger than me!
~Toni is one of 11 children
~Her father was the judge during all the Freemen (militia stuff) trials in Lewistown
~Her family had always hoped I would seek them out
~Her sons had learned about me only a year before this contact, I believe they were in highschool at the time
~Toni and her mother (perhaps the whole family) are very musically inclined and teach piano

Well, my head is spinning because I can't type as fast as I'm thinking! Not long after all of this happened, I was married, went off to college in Wyoming. After that initial phone call, I finally found a way to write a letter to my biological family. I sent about 10 pages and some photos from different stages of my life to my biological grandparents and they passed it on to Toni. We chatted on the phone every now and then and it was very comfortable. I was devastated to find out that my biological grandfather had passed away while I was in Wyoming. I was SO hoping to meet him. This is where I finally got to see someone who looked like me. My mom sent me a copy of his obituary and a rather large newspaper article about him. They had a picture of him, and my heart melted. He had the most kind, crinkly eyes I have ever seen. He had a bit of an elfin quality, meaning he had this permanent grin and smile lines and just exuded happiness. Jubilant is a way to describe it I suppose. I sent a card and letter to his wife and expressed my desire to meet her someday. She was thrilled and it happened... Just not too soon. I moved back to Montana when I was 29 and put meeting my biological grandmother on my list of things to do. It must have been 2002 or 2003 when I finally made the trip. I just decided one day that I was going to Lewistown! My husband was working and one of my daughters was at a friend's house. I called my mom and said, "I'm going to Lewistown today. Would you please come with me? I can't do it without you." My mother said she would absolutely go with me. My dad decided it just wasn't his thing which was just fine with me. So, me, my mom, and 2 of my three daughters drove to Lewistown. I had called to be sure it was OK to come up and my bio grandmother was SO excited! She gave me directions to her house that she shared with one of my "aunts" and said she would be there waiting. It was really not a big deal until we actually found the house and started walking to the door. I was just about to run the other direction when the door opened and this adorable little woman came toward me with arms outstretched. This was my grandma! She practically knocked me over and gave me the biggest, best hug I may have ever gotten. She proceeded to pat my back... HARD!!! She giggled and said, "That's what we do in this family, we thump!" Well, she wasn't lying... My two aunts who were there did the exact same thing. One of the aunts lived there and the other came over when she heard I was coming. It's amazing to be embraced into a family that you always knew was there, but was never THERE. So, the tears were flowing pretty freely at this point. There were thank-yous all around. My mom thanked my new grandma for letting her raise me and my grandma thanked my mom for raising me. Finally, we headed into the house. As we walked through the front door, I saw stuffed animals on the back of the couch. I looked at my mom and said, "Look, lions and tigers and bears..." I was interrupted by my aunts who said, "Oh my!" To make this part a little easier, let's make another list of things that I discovered during my visit...
~My favorite movie of ALL TIME is Wizard of Oz... It also happens to be their whole family's favorite movie
~I work in Radiology (CT Tech) and Toni is a nurse in Radiology (Cath Lab)
~My whole biological family is musical, which I have mentioned already... But here's what is funny about that... My mom and dad can't carry a tune in a bucket, my sisters are not very musical either, but I am all about music. I have always loved music of all kinds, been involved in music, and my daughters sing with me all the time
~I finally saw pictures of my birthmother and WOW did we look a lot alike! I was blown away at how much we looked alike and by how much I looked like her sisters that I was chatting with. Also, there on the piano, were pictures of my half-brothers. Again, people who looked like me!

It was a great visit. We all just fit together and fell into conversation quite naturally. At one point, I asked what kind of medical history there is in the family and discovered that one of the aunts I was with had had breast cancer. Other than that, there really is no significant medical history to worry about... On Toni's side anyhow. I managed to get one of my aunts alone and said, "I really wanted this to be between Toni and I, but since she isn't ready for me yet, I need to ask you. Who is my biological father?" She said, "Oh, you mean Asshole?" She gave me his last name but wasn't sure about the first name. There were two brothers with that last name that went to school with Toni and she couldn't remember which one it was. Either way, I had somewhere to start. After this visit, I came home and hit the library. I looked up my birthmother and discovered that I needed to send off to Lewistown to get copies of photos from yearbooks. There is a lovely lady at our library who does this sort of searching and sent the request on my behalf. About a week later, I got an envelope from the Lewistown library. It was a fat one! Inside, I found photocopied pictures of my birthmother (all 4 years and some choir ones) and some of both of the boys that could be my father. The funniest thing about the pictures of my bio mother (besides the cat-eye glasses) was the change in her physically over the years. The first 3 years, she was kind of a skinny lil thing with really short hair. In her senior picture, she was quite a bit heavier and had REALLY long hair! I giggle still when I look at those pictures and say to myself, "That's my effect on her!"

So, I'm getting tired again. Let me make yet another list... Things I want to blog about later...
~My birthfather
~Meeting my birthmother
~People recognizing me
~My hopes for the future

Good night!